Dealing With Lack Of Control In A Divorce

When going through a divorce, you may feel that you have little or no control over what your soon-to-be-ex-spouse does, especially when it comes to your children. 

In many divorces, your ex-spouse may not follow your advice as it pertains to your children, for example: (i) not making sure the children do their homework; (ii) not dressing the children properly; (iii) keeping the children up past their typical bed time; or (iv) engaging the children in “risky” behavior.

Depending on the seriousness of what actions your ex-spouse is engaging in, there are ways to help you deal with this “lack of control.”  If it is a truly serious offense, then you must immediately inform your attorney.  Your attorney can request an emergency court hearing to deal with any serious issues.  In this context, “serious”, doesn’t necessarily mean “life or death”, but, it should rise to the level that if some immediate action is not taken, it would result in immediate and harmful consequences.  Of course, if you are not sure, it is always to err on the side of caution, and let your attorney decide if an emergency court hearing is warranted.

However, if the issue is less than a serious one, then you have to decide how you are going to deal with the issue.  You should know for minor issues, the Court is going to have little control over how your ex-spouse behaves, so, going to court, may not be your best option.  Instead, first, try talking to your ex-spouse and explain your issues.  Try not to blame him/her for their behavior, instead, tell that person how you feel and why you think it is important.

Second, perhaps talking to a mutual friend, or one of the ex-spouse’s relatives may help in resolving the issue.

Third, it may help to realize, that you will have to relinquish control.  When it comes to your children, there are many times that you relinquish control, but, do so voluntarily and without issue.  For example, you take your children to school, or take your children to a friend’s house.  In those situations, you also lose some amount of control, yet, you may not feel the same level of anxiety. If you need help, you may need to seek counseling in order to help you through the process.

Finally, most parents discover that over time, they feel more in control, and the level of stress becomes less and less. 

For practical advice about your divorce, contact David Badanes and the Badanes Law Office, PC. at 631-239-1702, email at or visit our web site:  The Badanes Law Office has offices in Northport and Uniondale.

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